i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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