Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
