new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
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