I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
