Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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