i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
