My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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