He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
