i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
