I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
try to milk me bitch
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