hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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