Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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