Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
