paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I think my vagina is haunted
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
