Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
