fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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