So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
okay pat passed out under dana's car
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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