I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
