am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
