I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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