i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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