It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
