Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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