just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
