I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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