he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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