remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
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