I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Randomize
