So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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