you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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