Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
