Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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