I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
