Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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