No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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