A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
