I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
