he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
