you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You were trust falling into bushes
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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