chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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