things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I am one with the molecules
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I forget how to act sober
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
