Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
