Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
