I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he thought i was a dude.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
