you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
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