Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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