So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
