I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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