Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
