found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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